Book Excerpt: To Love is to be Happy[ Feb 11, 2013 ] [ by Bruce M. Di Marsico ]
To Love Is To Be Happy And Do What You Want.
Be with. Don’t be with.
Smile. Don’t smile.
Be loving. Don’t be loving.
Be affectionate. Don’t be affectionate.
Give or say what you want. Take or ask for what you want.
Do your own thing.
If the one you love gets unhappy, it’s not because you are not loving
them enough. Their happiness does not depend on you. If you find you
want them to be happy, it is because you want it. It’s not because you
are a loving person or feel the need to prove to them that you are loving.
You are loving if you are happy. You will be loving if you are not
If you are happy with someone in order to be a nice, loving person, then
your happiness will depend on them seeing you as loving. Every time
you don’t feel particularly loving or giving, you will feel like a failure as
a lover. Every time they don’t act loving and they don’t give you what
you ask, you will also feel like a failure as a lover.
When you feel like a failure, guilty, ungiving, and unfeeling, you will
need to run away. You will be repulsed by your lover and play right into
their fear of failure. If you believe you are a failure because you are not
able to accept what is offered to you, or because you find that you are
not able to get the kind of love you want, you will then be over attracted
to your lover, playing right into their fear of failure again.
This kind of view of being a lover is really worth failing at. You only
fail to love if you get unhappy. In this kind of relationship you only get
unhappy because you believe you failed to love. If you don’t feel or do
something that prevents your lover from being unhappy you are not
failing to love.
You fail to love if you get unhappy about it.
You fail to love if you are afraid of your lover being unhappy.
If you want evidence that you are a loving person, you will only find it
in your happiness. If you are happy, you are loving everyone. When you
are happy, you are glad for everyone’s happiness.
A lover is not someone you are more happy with. A lover is someone
you are with happily. When you are happy, you will want more things
with some people than others. When you are happy, you will want to
give to some people more than others. If a lover is different or special, it
is because you are both wanting very much together.
With a lover you are glad for everything they do when they are happy.
You may find that if you are not so glad, it is because they are not so
happy and are not especially doing what they want. You are aware of
any fear in them and loss of happiness. You know each other perfectly in
the sense that you are as aware of their gladness and happiness as you
are of your own. This experience is not because you are afraid of their
unhappiness, but because you want them to be happy. You love them
and want the gladness you will both have when they are happier. A lover
is someone you want to be glad with together.
Lovers are two people who come together to learn how not to be
unhappy and who look forward to more gladness together. They come
together not to learn how to be loving to someone, but to grow in
happiness. You want to see happiness and gladness in them and you
want them to see and experience it in you. You want to help each other
have more happiness and less fear. The only way to help create this is to
be happy yourself and to do what you want. Don’t be unhappy about
Problems and games set in after one gets unhappy either with
themselves or you. They usually experience it as failing to love you and
resent your desiring something that they are afraid of failing at. This fear
of failing at being loving makes them more concerned with looking
loving than being happy. They feel tested by you. They are quick to
believe and imagine that they are hurting you by not giving or doing
what they believe you want. They don’t realize that no matter what you
may have wanted, you certainly didn’t want them to be unhappy.
The games begin if you believe that you have not been loving enough or
that you can overcome their unhappiness by being more loving yourself.
Then you try to be extra loving, understanding, forgiving, and eager to
fix things to show how loving you are. That will turn them off more.
You are now both afraid of being unloving. Now you are being loving in
order to get them to love you. You feel you simply want them to be
happy, but in fact, you are needing them to be happy so that they will
show how loving you can be. You even hope to inspire them to be
loving. You both want to achieve what is the cause of the problem,
Real love is to be happy and to just want them to be happy. You make
your choice. Do you want to be happy and love or do you want to be
loving instead? The difference is a choice of intention. The behavior
may be the same but the motivation is vastly different. Motivated by
fear, you will merely be loving your lovingness.
A lover is someone with whom you don’t have to be loving in order to
get what you want. When your lover does not accept what you offer,
just let yourself knowthat you do what you want. Do not be unhappy
because it seems that you were wrong. Don’t demand that they take
what you offer in order to be nice and loving toward you. Don’t demand
acceptance. Don't demand that they be happy. Do not test yourself to see
if you are unloving or unhappy.
Unhappy loving is being nice when you don’t really feel like it and
doing what you don’t want really want to do. You feel conflicted or split
because it is obvious that sometimes unhappy people will want proof of
your love. If you are more concerned with appearing loving, you will
either do what they want without feeling like it, feeling resentful, or you
will be turned off and refuse even if you really want to do it.
Being happy is something you can do for someone, even if they need it
as proof of your love, but do it as a conscious choice. If you get unhappy
about their unhappiness, your motivations will be unclear. You are
always unhappy every time you hold to the belief that you should get
love by being loving or that you should return love by feeling loving.
Do not be concerned if your lover is not loving. You can know you are
happy and love if you are allowed to say yes or no freely and if your
lover is allowed to say yes or no to your offers. You love and are happy
if you allow another to say no and realize they do not have to accept
Our real desire is not to succeed or fail at being lovers or teachers or
students or friends, but just to be happy. I do not fail you if you or I fail
to be happy. You do not fail me if you or I are unhappy. I can be happy
because I can be and want to be. You can be happy because you can be
and want to be.
-Bruce M. Di Marsico, The Myth of Unhappiness, Vol. 1